This Was Not Supposed To Be Part Of The Plan

He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I saw my life ahead of me at that moment. I dreamed of the white dress, the tuxedo, the house in the suburbs, the children and the grandchildren. Could I be any happier? Not possible. I am blessed. Everyday from that point had more meaning. Not only was I doing for me, but I was doing for us and our future.

Fast forward to 6 months of marriage, when we decided it was time to start our family. Babies were everywhere. All women were pregnant. Pastel colors attracted me like never before, and sweet names ran through my head. Soon 3 months passed and then 3 more. Something is not right here, I should be pregnant. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Maybe I need to be a better person. Let me find a book, let me check my temperature. I can figure this out. I am great at solving puzzles, and this one should be a cinch.

Where has the year gone? Twelve months of trying and not even a day late. I have stressed over possible symptoms and constant waiting. Waiting for the right days to try, waiting for the right day to test. Waiting for twelve months straight. My family and friends ask When? What are you waiting for? I smile at them....."one of these days" is the best I can offer them.

I make the appointment I never thought I would have to make.....the Gynocologist for a work up. We do all the basic tests.....why would I think I would need more than just the basics? I am given clomid... and given it again......and yet one more time. Why is it not working? It works for everyone else! Why not me?

The doctor sends me to another doctor....a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Okay.......this is good. He will work this out and a year from now I am going to be a mom. I am being aggressive and this WILL work.

Where have I gone? I am not myself anymore. I cry, I want to stay in bed, I don't want to be with my friends and family. Even worse than that I don't want to say congratulations when my friend, sister, neighbor, whoever....is pregnant. I don't want to see their new baby. I don't want to buy them a gift. I can't find myself anymore, and will I ever get back to being me again?

Please don't tell me to relax, don't tell me it is okay to live child free. I know you mean well, but these things are not true, and they only make the hurt worse. This is all too hard. If I stay home, I don't have to hear these things. I will just stay home.

I am not alone. I met a woman and she is having these problems too. Relief. She knows what I am going through, and we can talk. My husband is sad too, but he does not want to talk about it much. I need to talk about it. It hurts too much to keep holding it inside. I do feel better, but only a little better.

Tests, tests and more tests. We don't talk about them much. I don't want my family to be afraid for me, so we keep them to ourselves. In a way it's better that way. If I tell them about my tests, I also have to talk about the fact that we are suffering beyond belief with infertility. I am not ready for that. This is the most devastating and debilitating thing I have ever been through.

I will never look at problems in life the same again. My friend complains about her mother in law. Is she kidding me? I don't care. Does she want to hear real problems? I listen to her, I say the right things, and I am there for her. It's an important issue to her, but so trivial to me.

How far are we going to take this? It has been almost five years now. My husband and I have been talking. I don't think I can do this much more. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. I am tired of the medical bills and the sorrow. The intimacy in my life has become clinical. I want to look at my husband and have that feeling again.

I got my period today. It was the most wonderful day I have had in almost five years. A woman crossed my path today with her baby.....her adopted baby. I smiled. Tears came to my eyes. I want to move on. I am ready. The plan I had for my life was to be a mom...to have children. I can be that! We can have that!

Our dream is going to come true. The feeling of putting an end to our struggle has been brewing for awhile. Why did we wait so long? We are filling out our paper work. We are adopting a baby. A year from now I will be a mom. Pastel colors and sweet names are running through my mind again. I cry every day now, but it is a happy cry. I am letting go of five years of tears, of the burden of secrecy, and the sorrow.

I am not the same person I was all those years ago. I am a better person now than I ever thought I could be. I would not wish this on anyone, but I would not take this experience from my life either. And you ask me what all these years of infertility were like? It is so hard to put that into words and the best I can do is give you an analogy. It is like a flight on a plane where your whole trip is in the clouds. You are scared of falling out of the sky into something unknown beneath you. You cannot see what is ahead of you, below you or behind you. There is no sense of security and no promise of sunlight..........and if that is infertility, then adoption is to have finally come out of the clouds and see how bright and wonderful the world is again.

Lynn Leeds