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Ive been ttc since we got married 5 years ago. We did succeed just a year ago and i went to preterm labor at 26 weeks. He tried so hard to survive but he just couldnt make it and God needed him more in heaven then I did here. I am still so not over this. Sometimes when I think that my life is continuing I start to remember and depression hits me. After his short existance in our lifes we started ttc 3 months later. I havent used any birth control but I have had so many problems. I was diagnozed with pcos 2 years ago and was on metformin n dats how i concieved but ive been on metformin for like 9 months and I didnt have the same luck as the other time. I also did 2 rounds of clomid and I cant seem to figure out when Im ovulating. They did this test on me I beleive its biobsy of the uterus ... i honestly cant remember well it hurt so much. My husband was there with me he saw me cry and he held my hand through it... after I started taking clomid the mood swings were horrible not only for me but more for him. He lost his patience and at the end of the 1st round of clomid he wanted us to seperate. I felt so hurt because I know my temper is horrible because of the whacky hormones. I decided to take the 2nd round w/ out telling him in hopes that I would concieve and it didnt happen i just had tons and tons of hot flashes and mood swings and sore breast everything pms was 3x worse then normal. After that round of clomid I decided to do something regarding my weight im currently 60 lbs over weight Im trying to focus on a healthier life n loose those pounds and i also started taking vitex and red raspberry leaf... its been 2 weeks after my last menstrual period. Im on cycle day 16. Im not even sure if i will ovulate. I doubt it... but its ok excersize is going good and im feeling more confident i guess that is a good thing. THe only thing is though I saw this picture of me carrying my nephew 3 months old and I so want to hold my baby in my arms. I wasnt to be a mother so bad. and I have told this to my husband so many times and then i tell him i decided to live by the moment and enjoy my alone time with him but I just feel so depressed. I wish with all my heart to be a mother to care for someone whos half me and half the love of my life. Today is our anniversary and I wish I was happy but I just feel like im getting older and we still dont have a family. Andy (our son who passed away at 3 days old) was our blessing but nothing not even another baby will ever take away the hurt. I want to get over this because I have a good husband who has so many goals in life and he doesnt push me to have a family he says he loves me and if its only us its ok but I cant accept it. I want to so that we can be on the same page but I cant. I know im not getting anywhere but I just needed to vent. I needed to scream to the world that I feel no one understands my pain and that I feel lonely and that Id give our nice looking apt and cars and everything i have to have a family to be a normal family.