Infertility Sniglets

Credits to follow at end of page. Reprinted in part.

INFERTILITY SNIGLETS & ACRONYMS

WHAT's A SNIGLET???
Sniglets are funny made up words / definitions for those things in life that just don't seem to have any "official" terminology. The world of infertility provides lots of hilarious inspirations.

GENERAL INFERTILITY SNIGLETS

Psycho-Symptom-Atic Syndrome a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge to the early stages of pregnancy. Yearnation - the overwhelming urge to urinate while recording your morning basal body temperature reading.

Peetience - what you learn to acquire when starting to chart your basal body temperature.

Corp-Peeing - anytime a OPK or HPT is at work in the compan's Ladies Room. Anyone who has done this, I'm sure has visions of the looks co-workers faces if they come into the ladies room the same time your watch alarm goes off after the 3-5 minute wait time.

Stall Talking - the item between a Corp-Pee and test results. Usually things like "please, please, please, le's see a plus sign this time", "aw come, on hurry up", "man! not again!" a time you hope your co-workers do not hear you or recognize it as you in the stall by the shoes you are wearing. Bladder Praying - praying that your bladder will fill up so that you can take your HPT. BECAUSE I's day 29 and you KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE TEST RESULTS ARE GOING TO BE POSITIVE THIS TIME.

Basalbedbouncing - the earthquake-like sensation you get while shaking down your mercury basal thermometer in bed.

Basal Instinct - an urge to shake down your thermometer BEFORE recording your temperature in a futile attempt to work up a sweat and boost up your temperature; usually strikes late in the menstrual cycle about the time your temperature would be plummeting to indicate the on-set of your dreaded period. Pregsplotion - the sudden abundance of pregnant women in your vicinity within hours of your negative pregnancy test.

Coitus Timeruptus - the practice of timing intercourse to correspond with timing of ovulation.

Doggus Interrupus - when your dog interrupts sex.

Cattus Interrupus -

when your cat interrupts sex.

Coinus Interrupus - the impact of infertility treatments on on's pocketbook.

Muscusology - the inexact science of attempting to determine the timing of ovulation.

"The Sperminator" - nickname for any friend of your husband's who insists on extended sauna sessions after playing squash.

Freeballing - the step beyond boxers taken by truly devoted husbands with low sperm count.

Fallballitis - chaffing and raw skin associated with freeballing.

Sizzlers - me's bikini underwear.

Breifectomy - furtive removal of all tight-fitting briefs from your husban's underwear drawer.

Rigorous Mortis - loss of interest in sex due to the lack of spontaneity in timing.

Get Shorty - mission of women married to men afflicted by rigorous mortis.

Male Sex Drive - something constantly in motion, but shuts down completely from his wif's cycle days 10-16, because, after all, wha's the use.

Transfurryence - treating your pets like human babies.

Clearpit Easy - bottomless pit into which women hurl buckets of money while repeated testing for pregnancy way too early or while test for an LH surge.

"Looteal" Phase - the period of time between cycles when all of the insurance statements/doctor bills come in form the beginning of cycle. also a time to save $$ for the upcoming cycle.

Assincline - the odd-looking practice of elevating a woma's buttocks after intercourse in order to MAXIMIZE the sper's ability to swim for the egg.

Gluteus Unrelaximus - side effect of the uncomfortable act of propping up the buttocks after baby making sex.

Buttressing - the act of firmly putting your feet on your love's back as he lifts up and shoves pillows under your butt. Buttressing often needs to be repeated to make sure you get the proper assincline.

Flying Buttresses - the condition of having pillows fly out from under you as you attempt the asscline position.

Mucuscide - having mucus that kills your darling husband's sperm.

Hindsight - looking back to see what is happening as you get your shot.

Sperm Washing - what you have to do to the sheets when hubby accidentally falls off the pillows at just the wrong moment and / or you cough/sneeze/laugh JUST after precise moment.

Climbmax - what you say to hubby (if his name is Max) as he prepares to ascent the mountain of pillows before him.

Punjab - cracking jokes to take your wife's mind off the fact that you are about to give her a shot.

Pokejoy-the imagined glee wives think that husbands get from sticking them in the butt with needle.

Multiplous Avoidus - the act of reminding the yet again (!) to avoid the "infertility" diagnosis on insurance forms.

Indifferent Costimulus - the need during intercourse for her to concentrate on fertilizing and him to avoid all thoughts of fertility/infertility and just come.

Monthus offalus - taking a month off from baby making sex, trying to remember what exactly "birth control" is. so you can be poked and prodded mercilessly with no hope of getting pregnant.

Piddlesticks - an exclamation made after mistakenly splashing on the window of an ovulation predictor kit or home pregnancy test urine-stream stick, as in "Oh piddlesticks".

The-Mom-Meter - instrument for determing best time to get pregnant.

Day-One-Dering - wondering why oh why you have to deal with "day one", yet again.

Fanta-Sizing - dreaming what you would look like nine months pregnant.

Laparophobia - intense sense of dread preceding laparoscopy, marked by last-ditch efforts to get pregnant and avoid having the procedure (like you weren't already trying your hardest).

Misconception - the pathetic belief that you might actually manage to conceive naturally the month before a laparoscopy.

Missedconception - THE pathetic idea that you actually would have conceived if you and your partner had't avoided sex while you were having a MASSIVE fight; also the pathetic belief that you actually would have conceived if you and your partner had't avoided sex in spite of being toooo tired because you both had worked 15 hours days for the pervious three.

Mythconceptions - what happened on Mad About You and any urban folklore about people who get pregnant on vacation, after they adopted, etc.

Preconception - the insane belief that you will get pregnant before you have to do IVF.

Preconceived Notion - the idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two three at the most.

Hormonophobia - dread fear of saying the wrong things to your wife when she is on fertility drugs. Follow-Pee-In Tube - the little glass vial into which one puts her urine for an ovulation predictor kit, in order to determine if an egg is about to make its trip along the fallopian tube.

Pitspermitis - the crick in your armpit which arises from carrying bottle of semen from home to the clinic.

Pregtember - name of the month you hope to be pregnant by.

Preggozone - the magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; the first day any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile woman fails pregnancy test.

Pregnorance - the inevitable brain shrinkage that occurs in pregnant women making them seem less intelligent.

Pregnesia - the way pregnant women forget everything, sometimes even the fact that they were infertile.

Multiple Dwarf Complex - a state caused by the ups and downs of infertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful. etc.; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves," such as horny, bitchy, barfy, crampy, etc.

Prince Charming (Or Hubble Without Choice) - the name for a sweet husband who is infinitely patient and kind while you have Multi Dwarf Syndrome.

Snow White Complex - the mental state following your careful examination of white undies and panty liners for indications of mucus or menstrual; any hint of red on white or confusing signs gives you the absolute right to take on any all of the emotions in the Multiple Dwarf Syndrome.

Joe Pesci Syndrome - the overwhelming urge (which occurs around day 12 of a Metrodin/Humegon cycle) to attack someone rude with a pen, pencil, or whateve's handy. Reverse Pharmacology - taking birthcontrol pills in the month before your IVF.

Miss Mannerism - the habit, when people ask you nosy questions about when you're going to get pregnant or make rude comments like "want my kids?" of looking a combination of shocked puzzled and saying something like, "Why ever would you say such thing?"

Graphics Imagination - tweaking, massaging, reorienting, or redrawing your basal body temperature graph / data in an attempt to see either a temperature rise or the magic triphasic pregnancy pattern.

Inferguilty - how you feel when you're having a bad day and you read someon's post announcing their pregnancy and you are overcome with the urge to kill them.

Clomidfiend - A woman under the influence of clomid-induced mood swings; someone who wants to blame anything and everthing on the drug.

ClomiWITCH - a woman under the influence of clomid. she can become the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!!!! also the CLOMIBITCH.

Clomidbuddy - the invisible but very useful "nobody" who truly responsible for all the awful things mistakenly attributed to a woman on Clomid. ("it was't ME who smashed those dishes onto the floor in clomid-induced anger...it was the Clomidbuddy.")

Metrodinner - the evening meal preceded by shot in the tush.

Perganol-Tory - the two week, in between waiting time.

Laying The Pipe Dreams - the vain hope that if you relax and enjoy the rise you might actually get pregnant.

Wining And Complaining - drinking lots of red wine whining about another negative pregnancy test.

Justwaition -

1. the two week between ovulation and pregnancy test.
2. a period of time just before gestation.

Hormotional - easily rattled emotional state brought on by hormones surges; especially symptomatic of women on fertility drugs.

Indijection - getting sick to your stomach while getting Metrodin shots.

Naturalism - the pathetic belief that any egg produced when your doctor was't expecting it (e.g. not induced by HCG, not induced by fertility drugs, etc.) is miraculously more fertile than the rest, as though somehow your medical care is specifically causing your infertility. (Also known as "A watched egg never fertilizes syndrome")

Cruisin' For Bruisin' - driving one hour each way in rush hour traffic to have blood drawn by technician wh's blind in one eye and has arthritis in both hands.

Hormonally Challenged - the politically correct term for a woman who is having mood swings due to infertility treatments.

Pregnition - the act of start on fertility treatments.

Postcoital Nest - the secret vaginal hiding place where sperm hide when they are faced with fertilization-anxiety: especially frequented by sperm avoiding the cervix-swab during postcoital test.

Petri Dish - a womb with a view (for IVFers)

Totsicles - frozen embryos waiting to be transferred.

Popsicle - the straw containing frozen sperm, from husband or donor, that will be used in an insemination.

EGG THEME INFERTILITY SNIGLETS

Egg Retrieval - what some eggs do at the mere mention of sperm.

Eggstatic - what a woman on fertility drugs hopes to feel.

Eggspurt Advice - what all the fertility books write about ovulation.

Egg Poaching - including in extended hot tub soaks during ovulation or having frozen eggs stolen from an IVF clinic.

Eggsplotion - hyperstimulation of ovaries induced by overdosing on fertility drugs.

Eggsploitation - what drug companies do to women who need fertility drugs to ovulate or to produce enough eggs for IVF.

Eggsplanation - instructions on the label of fertility drugs bottles.

Eggswhiteation - the incredible excitement one feels when finding egg-white mucus when not even looking.

Eggspedition - the route an egg takes once it leaves the ovary.

Eggspectation - the period of waiting prior to ovulation.

Eggsaspirated - 1. eggs that have been aspirated.
2. the annoyed or irritated state of women on fertility drugs or men having to have supplied a sperm specimen as they await results, an appointment, or an R's phone call.
3. the way an infertile feels when forced to listen to anothe's insensitive comments.

Eggsplosive - what a woman on fertility drugs is like.

Eggscavation - the process of removing follicles from the ovaries.

Eggsploited - what those undergoing any reproductive treatments are by the insurance companies and clinics.

Eggcessive - another word for hyperstimulation.

Eggsamination - the process of looking at follicular development via vaginal ultra-sound.

Eggsuberant - the joyous way one feels upon finding out that one ovulated!

Eggo - the correct path which the ova follows through the female reproductive tract, as in "eggo through the fallopian tubes into the uterus."

Eggstra Sensory Perception - the *the certain knowledge* that this time, sexual intercourse *will* result pregnancy.

Eggstravaganza - the three ring circus which ensues when you doctor, his her residents, interns, and medical students (not to mention several nurses and all the operating room personnel) are working on harvesting your egg(s) for in vitro fertilization.

Truly Eggscellent - high degree of egg quality, as in "a truly eggscellant egg is easily fertilized and results in pregnancy!.

Eggspress - the route an egg takes through the fallopian tubes - NON-STOP.

Eggscuse Me! - what a polite egg says after bumping into a swarm of sperm.

Eggsonerated - what an egg is after being told "you're not good enough to be fertilized," "you'll never implant," or "you'll never go to term." and then does all three thank you very much!.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOU EGGS?

Over Easy - Pregnancy resulting after only ONE treat of any kind.

Sunny Side Up - Checking in petri dish under light microscope for signs of cell division meaning successful in vitro fertilization has occurred.

Scrambled - Fertilized egg which was't viable due to genetic defects. Hard Boiled - Egg which is impervious to D's sperm.

SNIGLETS ACRONYMS

HSG - Hot Sticky Goop

BBT - Bob Boob Tester; Big Bothersome Thermometer

ICSI - If Cows Sucked Indiscriminately

EMB - Every Man In Boxers; Extraterrestrial Mutant Booger

POF - Powerful Orgasm Fanatics

ART - Acrobatic Reproductive Techniques Such As The Asscline.

ANA - Aggravating Nurse Aliens, Specifically The King That Could Lead To Cruisin' For A Bruisin'

HPT - Hopefully Pregnant Thoughts. Includes The Kind Of Thinking You Go Through Every Stretchy, Crampy Feeling That Happen During Luteal Phase.

LH - Lucky Husband

ASA - Another Stupid Aggravation

ASRM - Active Sperm Receiving Mechanism

E2 - Everything Squared (E's New Album Covers Everything Infertile. Some Hits Include "Hpt Blues," "Butt-Propping Blues," "Probe Me Tender," And The "Strange Boobs.")

IUI - Icky Ugly Insects; Infertilit's Ugly Indeed

IVF - Imaginary Vermin Facility; Infertiles Vile Fate

OPK - Overpriced Pee Kits

PCOS - Patien's Cup Of Sperm

PCT - Please Creep Through (Spermies!)

PID - Pickled Insemination Drippings

SPA - Stick Pee-Ers Anonymous

NON-INFERTILITY / MADE-UP SNIGLETS AND SNIGLETS ACRONYMS

UPS - Utterly Pathetic Service

PIPPS - Progesterone Induced Pity Party Syndrome (The Intense Desire Of A Patient On Progesterone To Get Everyone On Earth To See How Every Facet Of Her Life Is Much Too Hard.)

POT - Post Ovulatory Trauma . . . The Period Of Time Before Ovulation And A Positive Pregnancy Test Or On's Period. I's Trauma. =0) An Infertility Friend And I Have Pot Often.

(0 Comments)

Login to add a comment

sharedjourney home

Infertility Sniglets