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Please help - IVF failure and taking a break
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mmcgilli
 July 27th, 2009 4:56 PMReport

I have posted on this forum in the past regarding IUI and IVF. We have now been trying to conceive for over 2 years. I have PCOS that seems to be worsening and becoming more unresponsive to treatment. We had a failed IVF attempt in April. We exhausted so many aspects of our lives in an attempt to get pregnant - financially, emotionally, physically - I made major sacrifices in my career and as everyone who has ever done this knows - our relationship suffered at times. So after the failed IVF we just couldn't financially or otherwise afford to keep going at this time. So we entered into the "taking a break" mode... and I don't know how to deal with it. My husband seems to have gone on with life much better than I am able to do.
Simply, I don't know how not to try, I don't know how to not track my cycle, to not be counting days, to not be thinking about it. I am surrounded by pregnant women and while before I would just consume myself with my own quest to get there, I don't know what to hold on to anymore. All I ever seem to fall back on is the pain of it, and it is eating me alive. It will likely be a year or two before we will be in a place to consider continuing infertility treatment or looking at adoption - it is all just too expensive.
If anyone can give me any insight or advice into how to make this easier I would be so appreciative.

nicmon
 August 10th, 2009 1:19 PMReport

Hi mmcgilli- my heart goes out to you and I can relate to your story and feel your pain. My husband and I have been trying for a little over 3 years. I will be 39 in October - we are in the middle of our first IVF protocol. I'm prayerful and hopeful but boy its taken a toll on me emotionally. Like you I'm surrounded by pregnant women all the time - some are on their 2, 3 or 4th child. I get tired of pretending to be so happy for them and its gotten to the point where I dread baby showers. My husband says he understands but he doesn't - how could he? He has a daughter from a previous relationship. I love her to death - but I still ache for my own child our own child. What is keeping me sane is truly the power of prayer and staying positive. Yes I will have "emotional" days and I'll do the pity party thing - but I have to believe God is going to bless us with a child. So pray and believe that God will bless you. Also continue to talk to your husband - don't shut him out. It's okay to be angry, hurt, pissed. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But you both have to keep talking. I hope to hear from you soon.

mmcgilli
 August 11th, 2009 12:35 AMReport

Hi nicmon - thanks for the reply. I hope your IVF process is going well - it is intense to say the least and nobody can understand unless they have been through it. On a rather funny note I have a cousin who is pregnant and was telling me just how horrible her pregnancy has been because she is on all these awful hormones that just make her so sick and tired and moody, and I find out that she is taking a small dose of progesterone by mouth! I had to work SO hard not to laugh at her and tell her that until she is shooting herself in the stomach three times a day with massive doses of hormones and then doing a progesterone in oil shot in the hip every night I don't want to hear it :)
But I completely know what you mean about having to pretend to be happy for people - and it is such a double edged sword because I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, and it devastates me to hear of some other good person who is cursed by it - but to hear of someone getting pregnant after hardly trying makes me crazy too! I think the worst though are the friends who won't talk to you about their pregnancy because they don't want to upset you, but then talk to everyone else, making you feel like they all belong to a club that you may never be able to join.
But anyway, I know that you are right about staying positive and hopeful for the future. I just have to keep telling myself that I will be a mom - somehow I will be - I know that. I just feel that it is more difficult to be hopeful during this "break" time when we aren't actively working at it. I know though that I need to trust that things happen for a reason and in their own time - it is just very very hard to believe that sometimes. And sometimes it just makes me pissed to think that I have to do that and most others don't, it is so easy for them.
As for our husbands, as understanding and wonderful as they are, you are right, I don't think they can fully understand. I know that one aspect that mine struggles with is how defective that I feel. He gets mad at me for saying it, but when all the issues lie with me, I don't know how not to feel that way - there is this very basic, primal thing that I don't seem to be able to do, and that is devastating. He doesn't get that. He also doesn't understand that I feel guilty and responsible for the fact that he may never have a biological child either. So I guess our situations are a bit different there, but I am sure yours comes with it's own set of emotional hurdles.
Anyway, thanks so much for the reply and I look forward to hearing how your cycle is going. Let me know if I can help or provide any support during this time as I know it is very exciting but very emotionally and physically exhausting as well.

vligertwood
 September 4th, 2009 2:41 PMReport

Hi Mmcgilli,

I don't know if you're still checking here, but my heart also goes out to you. We tried for soo many years and after three failed cycles and a failed ICSI/IVF we just could afford to do it again either emotionally or economically. We decided to adopt and that was an extremely long involved process as well, but we did end up with our beautiful little girl. It was a private adoption and we were able to bring her home from the hospital after the birth. We are now talking about possibly doing an embryonic transfer, but my age may get in the way. I do understand the guilt, anger, and frustration you feel, the sight of a pregnant woman can just break you down some days, these forums really help even for just venting.

Maree19
 March 23rd, 2010 8:19 AMReport

mmcgilli I realise that your post was a little while ago so I am not sure if you still read these posts. Although I read as much as I can, this is the first time I have contributed to this forum - any forum.
I completely understand. I am in the same place right now. We have been trying for 3 years, half that time was spent on IVF. Financially it cost more than we had but with every attempt the Doctors thought we were 'unlucky' and were confident it would happen. So we gave it another try. And another. Till the end result was financial, emotional and physical exhaustion, literally. I too left my career (and source of income) as I made my health and quality of life a priority, hoping it would make the difference. The end result is an overwhelming feeling of loss. I know that sounds negative - a I do have moments of optomism - but that's what I feel right now. I'm not sure if it is a common reaction to the IVF process but I have now been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue which makes everything so much harder.
We have dedicated the last few years of our lives to IVF procedure after procedure, surgery, natropaths, acupuncture... I too am forced to the 'taking a break' stage which is code for 'can't take any more at the moment'. I think what I am struggling with the most is the seperation from the rest of the world. No one seems to understand. It takes all my strength to visit my best friends (beautiful)new baby or learn of the next (wonderful) pregnancy and I am sincerely overjoyed for them but it physically hurts. No one really understands why I had to leave my job, why I can't afford to go shopping with the girls or why I feel like crying at any moment of the day. I know I am stronger than this but its un uphill climb and I'm so so tierd. We actually had someone say in response to our lack of finance 'well it was your choice to spend it on IVF'. Only someone who had no understanding of it could possibly make that remark.
This was not supposed to be a sob story because I have faith it will work out - whatever the cost - and we will be glad for our saccrifices if it does pan out. But i guess in part was to get that out in the open instead of carrying it with me and to let you know that despite feeling you are alone - you're not. I understand. Can't fix it. But I understand.