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Hi Galaxaura,
I understand what you are feeling. I really do. My DH was diagnosed with azoospermia in Feb 2007. We did IVF-ICSI in April '07 using a frozen testicular biopsy that yielded 11 abnormal looking sperm. We ended up with 6 fertilized eggs, transferred 4, none stuck. Probably "God's way" of telling us that it was not a healthy baby. We took a break after that because it emotionally wrecked me. We considered adoption and donors too. I just really really wanted to be pregnant and experience the miracle of childbirth, so my husband agreed to press on with IVF, and even said he might consider donor, which he was kind of opposed to in the beginning. Can't say I blame him. It's a big blow to the male ego. We went to Cornell in NYC to the experts so they say, and we were going to do another round of IVF using the TESE procedure there, but we ended up deciding to stay home in Tucson because we found a new RE and urologist team we liked here. So, in May '08 I did my part again and my DH went in for the TESE surgery ($6000 JUST for the TESE) on the same day I had my egg retrieval. Let me tell you that was quite a day! Anyways, I did order donor sperm to use as well just in case. They found a few abnormal looking sperm. I had 8 good looking eggs to use, they fertilized 5 using a donor and 3 with my hubby's. All five DS fertilized, one of my DH fertilized. Looking at the images of all 6 it was so obvious that the one from my husband was not normal. It was crushing, but at the same time we had 5 beautiful embryos we could use. We talked about it a lot, and chose a donor that matched my husband, and had similar interests and intellectual aptitude. We transferred the best 2 embies and today I am 11 weeks along with twins. The other 3 were not frozen after day 5 because the embryologist said they were not progressing in the lab so not to freeze and attempt rethaw later it probably would not work. They all know my emotions are fragile so they did not want to even just in case, because most likely would be dead after thaw anyways. But, we have a pregnancy now, and I can still do an IUI later with the same donor. It's a long road. My hubby still has his moments of feeling insignificant in the pregnancy, but he wants to be a dad, and I know that he will love these babies because they came from me, and the process we went through to have them is all about our love and the love we want to give to a new life and raise a family. Whatever you decide, adoption, donor, IVF....it will be the right choice for you. I still think it might be nice to adopt. Your misfortune turns into a gift for a child that does not have a family. Always remember that life is good. I am sorry you are going through this. You are at the earliest stages of the process. It took a while for the anger to subside for us and grief to heal and move onto a solution for us to build a family. I am 36 and he is 46, so we had to move on our decisions because we are already getting up there! Keep us posted. I want to know how you are feeling and what you decide. Remember that your hubby is in LOT of pain. I know you are too, but he is the one carrying the burdon of the physical inability to have his own biological child. Give him time. He may come around. Be gentle. Write him letters about what you feel. Show him the options. Remember my hubby did not feel he could go with donor but the further we got along, he came around. Best of luck to you. - Tina
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