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Miserable in my marriage

12 posts on this thread and the last post was on March 21st, 2006 11:36 AM
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Karen123 - Oct 24th, 2005 12:28 PM
 [Original Post]

Hi everyone. I hesitated to get into this topic but I'm so depressed and just don't know what to do. I am so unhappy in my marriage and here I am pregnant with twins! I could go into a million reasons why, but one thing I wanted to ask you about is, does anyone else have a husband that seems not to have one speck of interest in your pregnancy? My DH has not read a single thing about what my body or our babies are going through although I read TONS of stuff, every chance I get. He hasn't asked about one purchase I've made, hasn't contributed any ideas, certainly doesn't care what I buy or why, has no sympahty for me despite the fact that I'm covered from the neck down with a terrible rash and experience migraines daily. I know that part of the problem is me. I would imagine that I have less patience since I'm experiencing a very difficult pregnancy and have hormones raging. But mostly I think it's because things he does are now more noticable to me and bother me more. He takes off all day and doesn't bother to tell me where he is or answer his cell phone. What if something happened to me or the babies? I mean, I've had several problems and 4 times have been rushed to the RE or the emergency room. Well, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else's DH shows no interest and just doesn't seem to care. Or is it just mine. I should be SO happy right now and he's making me so sad and depressed all the time. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. Karen

WantsBaby2 - Oct 24th, 2005 1:28 PM

Karen,
I am so sorry you feel this way. I know you have mentioned a lot of health problems he has been having....could he just be consumed with that? Maybe being an expectant daddy...and the fact that you are planning for twins is putting extra pressure on him?

He could just need some alone time to adjust to all the stuff that has been happening in your lives. Talk to him and let him know how you have been feeling. He could just be concerned with all the changes in your life together and doesn't know how to talk to you about his fears.

Maybe have a heart to heart about how your are feeling (in a non-threatening sort of way......they say to use the word "I" a lot instead of pointing the finger at him and saying "You" are doing this or that or "You" are making me unhappy) Just tell him how you feel and maybe he will open up to you.

I hope this helps. I am definitely NOT a counselor, but I know that men can be very sensitive creatures sometimes. Being very gentle to them can crack their tough exterior and get them to open up. Kind of like the old saying " Flies are attracted to sugar, not vinegar." ::) Keep us posted Karen.

Wantsbaby2


silli_kitti - Oct 24th, 2005 3:00 PM

Karen *hugz* you must be feeling so lonely right now.

I don't really know how to help you, but here's my experience:

DH & I have seen a psychologist about the stresses and failures of ttc, and while its not the same stresses you are feeling, she did say the best thing for our relationship right now is to keep the lines of communication open. So, I think wantsababy has some good advice - tell him how you are feeling.

On our therapist's advice, DH and I have set up a Thursday night "family meeting" after dinner where we air all our grievances, discuss things that bothered us over the last week, or just to talk about general issues related to our relationship, ourselves, and each other. The trick is we only have 1/2 hour each to do it. It means we have to think through what we want to say and keep it short and to the point. It also eliminates wasting time bickering about the "little" things that are not worth the energy.

After a couple of weeks of doing this, we find ourselves very upbeat and looking forward to our "meetings." We hardly complain about each other anymore. Instead we found we are sharing our feelings more and complaining less.

Communication is very important. I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you right now. I hope you feel better soon.


justme - Oct 24th, 2005 4:35 PM

Karen,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Pregnancy and infertility can be so hard on a marriage without all the other stresses in life. My first pregnancy my DH and I didn't get along so well either. He also was not very into the pregnancy. He would never feel my belly and it wierded him out for my belly to actually move. That really bothered me then. I hope you guys can figure something out and get things back to normal, whatever that is!!!

My dh and I have gone to counseling a couple of times in our marriage and it was great. We really looked forward to the sessions and would be so upbeat when we left. I know not everyone likes that or would go, but that may be something to try if you guys are open to that.

Remember too, like you said, your hormones are raging and you are probably hyper sensative to everything. Plus, his health stuff has to add even more stress to your lives. Ughhh!!!! Isn't life fun.

Hang in there. Please know that we are all here to listen to you whenever you need to vent. I know how mad, sad, and angry our husbands can make us sometimes.

Justme


Karen123 - Oct 24th, 2005 4:42 PM

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words and advice. He actually called me a little while ago and even though work isn't the right place, I started crying and went off on all kinds of stuff. I said that I feel like I'm all alone in this and that I will be completely and soley responsible for two infants since he has shown no interest in anything. Doesn't even go to my appointments. He said that I can't say that since they aren't here yet and I said, can't you see that they ARE here to me??? They are growing and developing and affecting my health and my every move and what I eat and how I look at the future. They ARE SO HERE to me. I think I hit home with that. I know we have a lot of work to do and counseling may be a good option for us. We have to make this work, after all. Our babies need both of their parents. Thanks again, very much. Karen


justme - Oct 24th, 2005 5:18 PM

If it makes you feel any better, my dh never went to any of my appts the first pregnancy except sonos. We will see this time. I am sure it will be the same. I think for men, it is not real to them until they actually see the baby. The are removed from the pregnancy. My dh is the best Daddy ever, even though he wasn't all that interested in the pregnancy. There is hope!!!!

Justme



baby4us - Oct 24th, 2005 7:02 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your marriage woes on top of everythign else you are going through.. and the last thing you need is extra stress.. you need to be able to relax, rest and get healthy (from your rash)

Could your rash be caused by the stress you are under from DH?

I completely echo what Wanysbaby, Silli-Kittie and Just me have posted. I have heard of many men who just couldn't get it through their heads that their wives/partners were having babies... and they seemed to be in denial... but things sure changed once the baby arrived! NOT that you want to put up with this for that long... because you really need to eliminate as much stress as possible from your life. So perhaps couselling is the way to go? I hope your DH would be interested enough in going to see someone???????????


TICKINGCLOCK - Oct 24th, 2005 8:28 PM

Karen

My heart goes out to you. I know this fertility roll a coaster takes a toll on relationships I feel badly that your dh isnt being supportive like he should be. Maybe he is scard and doesnt know quit how to handle the whole thing. If possible maybe you two could go away for a weekend go to a bed & breakfast or something just for some alone time & to regroup!
I am excited for you twins that is so exciting!
I hope things get better.

Gina


Fortyfour - Oct 24th, 2005 10:03 PM

Hi Karenm 123 - I think that was so poignant what he said. He doesnt see them as here yet and what can he do (physically - like a guy) until they are here. He is just staying busy until then thinking you are handling them. Just like a guy.

I felt like you a few days ago. I have been studying on immune issues and clotting problem since the m/c and felt like he just goes along with his life while I figuire out how to save our next baby. I threw papers at him and said that I need some input on decisions I was making and he needed to learn something about all this so he could help with desicions. The next day he admitted to not feeling competent enough to read stuff and thought I was doing a great job. So we made a deal - he needed to hear about all the stuff I was learning and try to understand it.

I am sorry you are not feeling well right now and so lonely. It sucks to feel that way. I hope it gets better. Vent to us anytime.


Karen123 - Oct 25th, 2005 9:03 AM

Wow, you women are the greatest! You always make me feel better when I am down or even better when I have great news. It's nice to know that my DH isn't that far out there...I guess guys are just very different. Our pregnancies or process of ttc consumes us and they go on about their day giving it a thought here and there. How lucky they are! And justme, it does help to hear that someone didn't show much interest but is a great father. I'm sure hoping that's the case with us. We both want this marriage to work and I suppose that is the most important thing right now. I guess I'll never get him to read anything or show up at an appt but maybe I can at least get him to shop with me or feel my belly once in a while. I'll certainly try to get him more involved so that it seems more real to him. Thanks to all of you. By the way, my rash is very bad on my legs and arms but almost gone on my chest and belly. So I'm now hoping that it's running it's course and will disappear soon. YEY! Hope! :) I love you guys! Karen


Fortyfour - Oct 25th, 2005 11:10 PM

Goodbye and good ridence rash- Leave our Karen alone.


WhoaGirl - Mar 15th, 2006 7:30 PM

Karen..trust me honey you are not the only one with an insensitive DH.. I know DH stands for "Dear Husband" and if I didn't want to get kicked off this board since I am new, I won't tell you what definition DH should stand for at times like these. Hang in there and things will definately get better!!!


Jessica - Mar 21st, 2006 11:36 AM

I am new to this post. But I have been fight alot with my hubby. I think I shouldn't get preagnet anymore. I just hate him at some points. He doesn't understand the mood swing a women has will on ther cycle.
I don't know what to do.


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