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Hi Jen

My husband put on a very 'brave front' during our first m/c early May. He was supportive and there all the way. I am due for a d&c on Wednesday morning (10th Aug), this time around he's completely helpless and even shy to look at me. I was just thinking about it last night and said to myself I never thought he would react in such a way. He's just switched off and doesn't want to talk about much. We hadn't told anyone about this pregnancy we wanted to be sure it would stick, I am so frustrated at his behaviour coz I can't share this pending loss with my mom or anyone and my husband won't say anything about it. I have discovered a very new and unexpected side of him, one I am not happy with.

I just want Wednesday to come and go on Friday 5th, Doc told me the sac measured four weeks, it sickens me to know I have been carrying this for 8 to 9 weeks while it stopped growing at 4, sorry I'm rambling the subject was husbands..

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Jen,
I totally understand. At times my DH has a lot of trouble dealing and it makes it even harder on me. We are doing our first IVF right now and he has told me to just tell him when, where and what to do and he doesn't want to know anything else because he just can handle it. Especially, the money aspect of it, since our ins. doesn't cover at all. Anyway, I am in the same shoes at you!

Hopefully, none of us will have to deal with this much longer and we will all have morning sickness, and he can be frusterated with listening to that!

Justme

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Hi. I had to chime in here since my husband has been just awful. I'll admit that I am emotional. Well who wouldn't be? I'm getting pumped with hormones on top of the "regular" ones and I am the one who's gone through tons of shots and still getting the progesterone while dealing with Arthritis pain that I can't take anything for. He is mean, short-tempered and impatient. He was so mean last night that I started screaming at him at the top of my lungs and ended up with stomach cramps. He just got through major surgery and I was there for him every step of the way, every ridiculous request, wiping his forehead, holding a bucket for him to throw up in, shopping for very specific items at his whim and all the while encouraging him to be strong. And now I see that he has nothing to offer me as far as support goes. I don't know if he doesn't care or is more likely just too lazy to do anything for me. I'm really sad today becasue of this....it's supposed to be for better or worse right? Well despite our unbelievable good fortune to be pregnant, he still can't support me in any way. ok, I feel better now that I got that off my chest! So nice to have people here that care about each other. so nice.

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Hi ladies. Even though my husband is a very emotional and caring man when the stress gets high he is the one to get out of whack in the home. The calmer I stay the better he is. But heaven forbid if I am having an emotional day when he is at his wits end. He starts spinning like a top and wondering why he cant fix my pain and sorrow. He was with me every step of the way with the m/c but pulled away afterwards. I think that is what men do. Pull away when in pain and frustration. What I think is funny is that I will hear him talking to complete strangers about our baby troubles but not his closest friends. ( maybe a need to look strong?)


Deb- Sorry about the blighted ovum. This is all too painful at times. Take care.

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I was so lucky to find this site when I did. The support from all these amazing women has been unbelievable; I don't think I would be quite as sane without this place.....I guess what I have to remember is that my husband does care about what is happening & he is in this with me all the way. The song "Lean on Me" comes to mind.............................. ;)

Debie, I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there & know God has a plan.

Thanks ladies,

Jennifer

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Thank you 44 and Jennifer.

Karen I understand completely how you feel. DH had a threatning medical condition in Nov 2003, I actually took leave lto iterally serve him in any possible way, I didn't mind I felt it was my duty. To my surprise this morning he left on a business trip and will come back tomorrow afternoon. Surely this is no time to leave me. I was so shocked I didn't even fight about it or cry, why is my husband being such a corward, why does he decide to go away at a time like this. Does he only prefer the 'for better' part of his vows, coz this is the worse time of my life and he is nowhere to help me through it.

I thank good God for this sight, I truly don't know how I would go through this without your experiences and support.

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Debie,
I am so sorry about your baby. Words cannot tell you how sorry I am. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

As far as the hubby goes, he is feeling the pressure too. He was always the one to tell me to stay strong.... that this was going to happen. Now I think he has swung in my direction in feeling this is never going to happen for us.

I remember when I told him about our second IVF being cancelled. Now, we knew this was probably going to happen, because things just were not going well. Yet he punched a cabinet in his office so hard that the whole door came off and broke.

We are both harboring a lot of anger through all this crap. But I guess I find myself shutting off more than him. When we first started treatments.....he didn't have much of an opinion, he just went along because it was what I thought needed to be done. I think it's because he is 7 yrs. younger than me and he wasn't feeling the urgency that I was.

Now he is more than ready for kids. It breaks my heart because he would be such a fun and patient dad. He is so good with our nieces and nephews. I will admit it is taking its toll on us. We'll just have to see what the future holds.

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Debie, I wish I could come and stay with you. My husband always seems to have a flight when I need him the most. He was gone for the 2 days after the transfer when I was on bed rest. Who will help you out? That will be so hard to be alone. Does he have to go, some jobs you cant say no. Take care, this is awful for you.

I will never forget how Leigh was driving on our way home after the m/c. I thought we was going to ram people and get into a fight. I had to call his best friend to call him to settle him down. Guys do not like being out of control.

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44 Your mail brought tears to my eyes, I appreciate you. My young sista stayed with me and DH is back now.

This morning at 07h00 I sent my 2nd angel home. I feel a lot of relief. I was ok the whole time and wanted to have the evac done since I found out about the blighted ovum, but when I was in the theatre bed I just cried. We came back home after four hours and I feel much better.

I'm not sure how, but I feel this whole mess is making me stronger. I'm not as shattered as I thought I'd be and I thank everyone of you for your thoughts and prayers.

WantsBaby I can only pray for you and DH that things work in your favour. Someday God will bless an angel/s with you as a mommy.

44 All the best for tomorrow, and may God give you your heart's desire.

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hello ladies... our poor hubbies... they can't control this and it drives them insane.
My DH stayed with me the entire time i was on bedrest after the transfer.... i called him my cabana boy. :-) but after we found out it didn't work, i could almost feel him withdrawing. i asked him about it last night and he said he wasn't withdrawing, he was just trying to cheer me up. i told him i didn't need him to entertain me... i needed him to face this with me so we can move past it. distracting me from the problem just means i still have to confront it ... but with no one to help me.
i've learned with my DH that he is giving me what i need.... i just don't know how to understand it. an analogy. if you ask someone for directions and they give them to you in greek. they are giving you the information you need... just not in a way you understand. for me... i am learning to understand my DH's language and that has helped me a lot. as much as he desires a child, it is easier for him to say... ok, i'm really disappointed and i really hurt... now what do we do? i get stuck in the 'i'm really hurt' phase.
debie... i am so sorry about your lost baby. i wish you lots of baby dust and patience... time will help heal.
good luck to all of you...
trish

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Debi - I am glad you are home and physically ok. Keep in touch. Sorry about the baby again. Darcie

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44, my husband is the same way - he talks to strangers about our infertility treatments, but doesn't like talking about it with friends or family.

He tells everyone from the cable guy to the car dealership (we can't bring the car in until the pm cuz my wife has to go the the clinic to do an u/s - we're undergoing fertility treatments). I'm like, honey, is it really necessary to say that?

Lately, he's just tired of my whining and melancholy. After my last BFN (after year of trying), I was at the lowest of lows, was crying in bed, and he's like "there's nothing you can do about it so just stop crying." "Get over it already and move on." And "how long are you going to be in there crying? I'm hungry, let's eat."

He was very insensitive, but I can't really blame him. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with those first days of AF when I'm mopey, depressed, pissed off, hopeless, etc.

Men just handle things differently than women. We need to do all the moping and crying, talking to everyone and everyone, or no one, before we can move on.

Time is all it takes, I wish he would understand that. I can't turn it off like a light switch, I got raging hormones here, he should just go golfing for three days!

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Kitti,

I am laughing about the golf thing! I've often wondered what my husband would say if I told him to "shut the $#@% up & go play golf".........I might have to try it sometime. ;D

Today w/ my husband was interesting.........we had our 3rd IUI this morning; we were supposed to drop off the swimmers by 7:30 am. I get up at 6:40am & tell my husband I'm going to take a shower in the guest bathroom so he can do his thing. He says,"OK, can you shut the door?" So I shut the door & go take my shower & dry my hair. This whole time, I don't hear anything coming from our room. The last two IUI's I held my breath until I heard the shower because then I knew he was "done" & we were ready to go. I didn't hear anything for 25 minutes! I started to freak out b/c I think the worst & holy crap we're not going to get to do this. I go knock on the door at 7:08am & HE'S STILL SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I flip out again & start crying while he does his thing. We leave our house at 7:25am, & have to be at the clinic in 5 minutes. But it's 30 minutes away! He feels TERRIBLE. I don't even want to knwo how fast he drove --- my eyes were shut!! We finally get there 20 minutes late & everything went fine. We were both so upset when we got there, it's a good thing we had to wait for an hour so we could calm down! We were able to talk each other down & make each other laugh by the time they did the procedure. Looking back, it kind of seems like a scene from a really bad comedy. The crazy crap we have to go through just to have a family......Sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh because it's so ridiculous.

Have a great night, ladies, & I will be praying big prayers for us all!

Jennifer

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I am so glad that I am not the only "wanting a divorce" at times through this... My DH has taken it really hard since the miscarriage and is so fearful that it will not work for us. He does not want to adopt because he is adopted and wants to have a child of his own. It is so important to him, he gets mad if the word adoption comes up. Some of our friends and family have mentioned it and he gets really quiet.

He doesn't really talk about how he is feeling much, so sometimes he blows up from the stress and pent-up emotions. It is really hard to remain calm and relaxed through this. I find too that if I get upset, he gets more upset. I do think, like someone said, this is one thing that he can't control and that is hard for many men.

Hopefully, our dreams will all come true soon and our marriages will be stronger for having gone through this together.

Sue

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Talk to me ... are you still in the IUI process and husband stress ... I'd like to talk.

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Ok, man this is a big effort for me but here I go ... Ladies I have azoospermia, zero count. And here is my effort to share and help?, such that you may help me.
Bio = 40yrs, married 5, wife is AWESOME, outdoor type, Christian / follower of Christ. My wife, we, had our first IUI two weeks ago ... in crushed me! I cryed like I never cried, on the way to the docs office. I never said no. I am usually good at expressing my feelings and am medium at sharing emotions but this has crushed me. See my wife is only second to Christ. I work to make her happy, be her loving man, and protect her. Now I must forewarn, don't jump in your husbands face after you read this, it will take some more discussion and I can only share how I feel. Your husband may not feel the same way. Men are soon hard headed ... he needs to talk to a Pastor or senior mentor, someone he holds respect for ... focus on separating pride/pitty from the real hurt. While I have all the symptoms of your DH's, I struggle to share, very reserved, as not to hurt my wife = pulling away from my wife. I'm angry! I'm Hurt. This is worse that a death in the respect that everyone shares in the death, the loss, and grief. Now, I know you suffer from his infertility, you hurt, and you are doing the IUI! Worse than death, yes, because, hmmm, because 1. I can not give my wife that precious baby. 2. While we have a child, AND I WILL LOVE THAT CHILD = wife now #3 ...hee,hee, just kidding. Second to Christ is wife now becomes 'relationship!' ... I will never have the joy of my biological child, hold on that is not being self-centered, it is just, just a desire a dream I have had, that God gave me at birth that I desire/want , its a want that is so deep in my soul. Now it is a loss! ok ... soon now all the rest(IUI, another mans child, bla,bla) just becomes parts of a pitty party that I want no part in ... to deal with that i pull away, as I do not want to tell my wife, are you crazy! it is for 'better or worse', I cant thus you cant! NO, I like your husbands said yes and it hurts. You did not hurt me. More later----

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RJ,
I do not mean to get too personal but have you been to a specialist yet? The reason I am asking is that my husband also has azoospermia, we did a lot of testing. Tyhe last was a testicular biopsy done in March to see if he was producing sperm. Often a man who has no sperm in ejaculate still produces it but it doesn't work its way out so to speak. In my husband's case we found out he is producing healthy mature sperm but has an obstruction somewhere (they have not found it yet). At this point we are not looking to solve that problem we are scheduled for IVFw/ICSI. They will take my husband's sperm directly from his testicle(his left was removed when he was 17). It might be a good idea to get a testicular biopsy before you give up on your dreams of a biological child.

Best of luck,
Sylvia

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Good advice, not personal.

It either IUI or find out my deal due to $. Which is ok, so to speak. Since I have a high FSH (36) the chances are slim? and lean toward failure. I am reluctant to see a specialist because ... well I have done a lot of research and discernment within and $ wise the IUI path seems better for my wife and with less risk ... what can I say, she has dealt with this for three years while I am only at three months, thus she is ready for children. My fault sure, and I would not ask her to wait as well as the $ involved in IVF.

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RJ,
Your urologist can do the biopsy, that is who performed my husbands, and as to the expense of IVF I am not trying to trivialize it but where there is a will there is a way. It sounded as if you are a Christian so you must trust God for the answers. It wouldn't hurt to at least ask your urologist about the biopsy and see where that takes you right? Just a thought.

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Hi there,
it's so nice to know that not all men are like my DH.
We have been married 4 years and I still don't understand what the heck made me marry him. He's so emotionless that is surprising. He's a doctor and I feel sorry for his patients.

I left my job to follow him in his last year of training also becuase I wanted to have a child (I'm 35 yo). He convinced me every year that there was time that I was still young.

It's been 9 month of TTC and guess what, I have a diminished ovarian reserve. His comment was that I was below the average and he could have not predicted that to happen.

Also he said that I probably knew that I had a problem and I didn't tell him...

His SA was perfect and that made him look at me like some kind of damaged good. He's so proud of his "boys" that I was actually hoping he had a little problem as well. Just to attack his ego.

I stayed at his side for 6 long years of training and miserable life, investing in a family (for me) and investing in a career (for him).

Look at me now, I am 35, no career, no family and scared that my DH is going to find an excuse to leave me. He even said that I should look for a "sperm donor ".

I love him for those glimpse of humanity that he shows once in awhile. Also, he's my only chance to have a child. If I had the guts I would leave him.

I am feeling so alone it's not even funny.

Ginger

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Ginger - If you are that unhappy and want to leave him maybe you should not have babies. Single parenting is really tough. Not easy on the kids either. Sorry, had to respond.

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I am new to this, but I have a problem with my DH and he is sometimes so negative about the problem. I had a miscarriage and he blames me for it. HE thinks that I am never going to be able to get preagnet. I just don't like this negative vibe he sometimes gives me. I don't know how I can make him understand.

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I think this is a stressful road we are on anyway…that hubby’s may not know how to deal with it really well. As for me I am pretty darn surprised at “how well” my hubby is doing emotionally/supportive towards me. I know what has been working and my hubby tells me often is that he can’t feel what I am going through but what I do is every time the Dr gives me another Rx or infertility plan I make sure I research (for my own piece of mind) but I keep a copy and put it on the refrigerator that way hubby can take a look at it and read the symptoms, side effects, & possible emotional rollercoaster I will be going through in the up coming days.

Good Luck everyone & Baby Dust to you all~

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Dear ladies of this forum

Let me introduce myself.
I am the husband of a truly incredible, wonderful, beautiful brunette woman, with long hair, sexy shape, big bright eyes and loving smile. We live out of the US.
Although she eagerly wants a baby, and I do not feel the same desire, I have been accompanying her through the process.
Let me share with you, that as a man, I am supposedly to be "strong" and "boys don't cry" but this process has been very difficult to me too. See her hope increasing after taking her pills or having her shot, then her grief after having a dreadful negative result.
I feel tremendously sorry and powerless to ease her pain, although I listen to her and she always thanks with love my supportive listening.

It should be great to have some kind of "boys" forum, bc I think that man's pain is very often overlooked.

My best wishes for all of you and good luck to every one.

VirtualMR

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Hi All,
I would like to share my ttc experience with all of you and give the only advice that I know every relationship differs but it might work. I have learned through my experience of ttc that not everyone reacts the same to stressful situations or the loss of an unborn child. While TTC I was so stressed that whenever my husband didn't react the way I wanted him to I would lash out on him, soon after I realized that if I didn't stop doing this I would going to push my husband, bestfriend, and partner out of my life so one day we decided to just have one LOOONNGGG talk and not talk about it anymore, but express our hurt through holding eachother and at the same time consoling eachother. I then started to take notice to all the little things he would do as well as the big things while ttcing, Like stand outside of the bathroom door while I took my ept and when it came up neg, he would grab me and hold me. On BD nights he would decorate the room with flowers and candles and always hae a card lying on the bed with something sweet written on the inside for me when I came home from work, Doing research of his own and making suggestions. We would spend most of our stressful nights quiet lying together and holding one another(when you are quiet there's no room for an argument) I was still stressed and I know he saw it because, 2 months later he told me that he didn't want to try anymore...I spent the whole day crying I even made a post here about it, it boiled down to he was tired of seeing me stressed and sad and feeling like I maybe I wasn't good enough, so we decided until the time came we would just appreciate and focus on the family we had, me, him and our 2 dogs (his german rott and my little chihuahua) well that next month I found out I had gotten pregnant a few days after that conversation, it was DEC the 13th and I wrapped the ept inside the box and wrappe the box also, when he arrived home that afternoon I told him he had a christmas present, he opened it took a look and asked what it meant, I told him pos and he didn't say a word,just stood there with a fearful look on his face and told me that he was happy, even though it was not the reaction I was looking for I learned to read him and knew he was still afraid from the two miscarriages before, he proved to me how happy he was through out my whole nine months, my not allowing me to do anything but eat and watch t.v and shop along with him because he wanted to carry the bags. He would cook clean, do the laundry and bring me plates of food. At 7 months when I had a cold he refused to let me get anything for myself he even wiped my nose a few times when I thought he was just handing me the tissue. I say all this to let you ladies know that things do get better so hold on love eachother and hang in there. I am so glad I decided to stop letting the stress of having a child drive us apart....I could never have prayed for a better friend, husband, and life long partner, nor could I have never asked for a better dad for my now 3 month (almost four,,,in 2 days) son.

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Me and my hubby are usually pretty good with talking to each other. Except for ttc. He seems so uninterested. I like to talk about baby names, and stop and look at baby clothes while we are out shopping, you know just talk and give myself a little hope for the future but all I can get out of him is " we'll talk about it when theres actually a baby on the way" It kinda hurts my feelings. And if by some miracle I can actually get him to say something about it Im lucky to get more than a sentence. I always ask him about it. He almost makes me feel like maybe he really doesnt want a baby. ???He just says I do want a baby. I just dont show it like you want me to. Its not that its just I want him to show a little something. Or maybe even him come at me with the topic or give me ideas about things we want for oour baby when we finally do conceive. I personally need to be able to talk about it and dream and think about it to keep from giving up. And I especially need it from the man I love. Does anyone else agree?

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Vidia,
I know how you feel. When I first decided to end the subject with him, I felt the same way....This was the point where I stopped forcing a reaction out of him. SOME men start showing, once you get pregnant, then it calms down until the u/s then when the baby comes, for some men it's not real until it happens. If he's your motivation to keep going then, find a way to talk it out with him...The difference is when I was ttc, even though he wasn't really interested in the baby aisle, he knew to act as if he cared about the little dresses ( I had a boy) HA! and I guess I can appreciate that. He even started looking up things to help us along....well once I calmed down and stopped hounding him.

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My husband is more the emotional wreck than I am, actually. I can adjust to living as a family of two, but not him. I am happy to adopt and have family support. He likes the idea of adoption, but has little support from his family, which causes a lot of stress. He feels less like a man because he "can't get his wife pregnant." I don't care if our children are "biological" or not. To me, we are all children of God, part of one humanity.

The stress of it all has been hard on our sex life. I waited until I was married to have sex (I got married at 28 years old) and we've had problems in the bed room ever since our honeymoon. I have a high libido, but it is quickly being beaten down to hardly anything.

No one ever told me how fraught with difficulty producing a new life would be. It isn't just about husband and wife, but our whole families, our culture, our communities. What is it to be an infertile couple!?!

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